Morphing Stories

Drowned for today. Physically and emotionally tired. Hectic sem of all, with lotsa of controversies and struggles this sem. I just want to get away from campus a.s.a.p, at least till I’m settled fully of myself.

At the moment – trying to fake a smile to myself and others.

Last hope – this Fri, Taxation paper. My last hope of getting at least an A-. My PM is halfway through the sem, so don’t have much confidence to score it (Mon paper) and Audit Practice, I’ve not been reading much or understand much of the concepts the whole sem too (Tues paper). Gonna sink deep further into the “sea” soon.

[05:40 pm]

I’m drowning in tomorrow’s paper…I need a lifeguard to save me.

[11:14 pm]

Ooo….

In my dreams, I can fly

I can swim in the sky

And move like I’m dancing, on the air

To the music, everywhere

Because you love me

Yes, you love me

In my dreams, there’s a place

I know somewhere, far away

I can feel it when you’re with me

I can taste it, when you kiss me

Because you love me

Yes, you love me

In my dreams, in my dreams, in my dreams, in my dreams

Because you love me,

Yes, you love me

In my dreams, in my dreams, in my dreams, in my dreams

In my dreams, in my dreams

In my dreams

-by Walter Meego-

Finally, YouTube has uploaded Ugly Betty (season 2) episode 14. Watched it while I was eating my dinner. This song was played towards the end of the show. Sounds pretty dreamy. Well, that should be the way, since the song is about someone’s dream. Feels like going into my own dreamland too when I listened to it. I spent 2 hours just to figure out 2 ques with TJ online. Crazy I know. Now, gotta get back to more questions. BF paper is on Tues. *frowns*

Will not let those emo thingy overwhelm me. At least for this period of time.

[12:12 am]

I’m feeling much better today. Maybe after letting it off by crying out yesterday. Guess, I was trying too hard at a point to be really strong and get over it fast at the moment this thing happened. Anyway, happy that people around me cared and supported me. Thank God for all the helpful and encouraging scriptures and His unfailing love.

Now, I might need to nap. Suk Mun said my eyes looked horrible. Sigh. I didn’t sleep well for the past few weeks, slept only 4 hours before law paper, plus with the crying yesterday. Good night!

[12:56 pm]

I wrote two posts before this and you can see the contradiction between both. The one in the afternoon sounds better than the latter one. I don’t know why I just wanted to talk to someone. I guess I’m really gonna miss Woon Hui when she graduates.

Kah Fai and Suk Mun called me around to almost 10pm, asking me to join their mamak session. I went down and as I walk, I felt my eyes are getting heavier as in I’m going to cry. I told myself not to. But, it doesn’t work, I just broke down in tears as Kah Fai teased me why I didn’t go to church today. I just cried then. Suk Mun, Jasmine and all, I guess they were pretty shocked about it.

I talked to Sis Chai Hong. I just felt much better. Thank you all. I guess God knows the right timing too. As in on the spot they looked for me for a drink and I wasn’t able to talk to anyone about my feelings then. Thank You and thank you all who are there just now.

[12:01 am]

Heard some from friends that people out there commented how could I do such things to my group members. I don’t know. One of ex-groupmates told another girl who is also under Ms Angelina and she commented how can I do such thing. Do I have a choice that time? I do.

1. Continue giving them to stay, and I’ll be total stressed up with the heavy works. After Ms Angelina consulted me to change them, I understand further that this thesis especially under her is not an easy thing. It requires a lot.
2. Back out from Ms Angelina’s supervision and get another topic and supervisor. I wanted to if I choose this but I really want to learn from Ms Angelina. I just find that doing this research under her is an opportunity as in it’s somehow an original one and I’m willing to work hard for it.

I chose option 1. I know somehow there would be people running around, talking behind my back. Can I handle them? I don’t know momentary. Ok, I don’t mind if others say what they like when they don’t know what is happening. The saddest thing is when one of your friends and one of your groupmates is the one acting that. I don’t mind if did she blamed me, if she knows where is her prob in my group. She is the less committed one. If the other two did blame me, I understand, at least their attitudes are much better than her when they were still with me.

All of a sudden, I don’t know what to think or what to feel. Disappointed, half-sadden, half-annoyed, somewhat guilty and relief…hmm…I really don’t know. It’s like a mixture of everything inside. My emotions capacity are breaking up into groups. Negative and positive ones.

I rise today through God’s strength to pilot me:

God’s might to uphold me,

God’s wisdom to guide me,

God’s eye to look before me,

God’s ear to hear me,

God’s word to speak for me,

God’s hand to guard me.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,

Christ when I arise.

Christ is the heart of every one who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today through a mighty strength,

the invocation of the Trinity.

-SAINT PATRICK-

I’ll try to rise through Christ, no matter what happens. Just that a lil hard now at this point of time. I need some time to digest the entire thing too.

[08:53 pm]

God tested me with another hard decision-making to make. On Tues, after meeting up with Ms Esther in the morning, Ms Angelina called me up to meet up with her in the evening. I thought she wanna see some framework or stuff, and my head says “This is crazy, in the middle of study week and she wants thesis stuff.” I asked her why, she just said, “Just come over, I want to talk to you.“

Oh well, it turned out to be, she’s advising me to change my group members as they are not so competent to this topic. It’ll be pretty hard if I do all the thinking and planning alone. She is just concerned about me, saying after Ms Esther talked to her. I’m thankful and grateful both are concerning about me, however it’s hard just to find somebody else as most people in my lecture groups already started forming theirs and even looking for supervisors. Besides that, how on earth I’m going to talk about it with my group members. Suddenly, she said there must be people still don’t have a group, I thought of Riana and Weiqi.

Anyway, I called and asked them. They’re ok and willing to do it with me, but just got to settle with my group members. I talked to two as one had left back home, one turned out to be ok as in she is rather stressful, but another one is rather upset. Sigh. I’m truly sorry, and for the very first time, I felt I need to make a decision not basing so much on feelings. I mean I’m a feelings-based decision maker most of the time, hoping my decisions won’t hurt others.

Is not that my group members are not hardworking, maybe their standards are still not competent with what Ms Angelina wants to do with this research. And after doing so much with them, I know that doing thesis and assignments are rather differ. Not rather, I think should be ‘very‘. I mean thesis is like so much more than assignments. So, I couldn’t get over some guilt within me. Weirdess thing of all, I actually had some peace within me, as in the guilt didn’t overwhelm me that much like I used to. I wonder is it God who placed it within me.

God gave me strength and hope to talk to them, and I thank for Woon Hui, my housemate, who is always there for me when I needed a counsel. For one who believes in God, the hinge point is not simply what I’m capable of. The real question is what God want to do through me. I guess all these happen for a purpose.

Our ability to live in hope – to remain focused on Christ during the storm – is largely dependent on what we feed our minds. The way we think creates our attitudes; the way we think shapes our emotions; the way we think governs our behaviour; the way we think deeply influences our immune system and vulnerability to illness. Everything about us flows out of the way we think. So I tried to figure out what God wants me to learn and maybe even to my group members. Assumingly, somehow I think they had learnt something when I talked to both yesterday, and for myself too.

I just know somehing better will be on the way for all of us, as long we hold on to God and knows what He did is for our best.

p/s: Glad my house connection is back. Had prob with the line port since Monday. Pretty stressful when I couldn’t blog or write when I’m tensed and also having this incident on Tues. However, maybe God somehow wants me to just study rather than typing much here. hee…better study now!

[12:41 pm]

Can you believe it? The top 8 finalists sang a gospel song, Shout to The Lord by Hillsongs Australia.

I’m here posting out of boredom. Still, somehow way behind what I’ve planned for the day, so better get back to work.

[04:43 pm]

I definitely need lotsa motivation this sem. I just don’t feel like studying, but yet I feel the stress if  don’t. I’m just too tired. Can I just get over with everything and have my break? Not to mention, I’m not having my break either. Imagine having my mind stop for a while after last paper, go for CF BBQ gathering, then back with thesis rightaway. This is sooo crazy. My brain will never have its rest till…I don’t know. Next sem break? That’s too long. Sigh.

I finished law (as in reading through the lecture notes). Haven’t started memorizing and reading the textbook for further elaborations on those cases and sections. Sigh. My PM and Audit…haven’t touch any so far, after the last time I studied them. Cramming BF now and tomorrow. Better start PM on Mon, then Wed/Thurs, finish up my Law for Friday. Luckily, the paper is in the afternoon. I remember having Business Law in the morning during my 1st sem in Year 1. Crap and I slept at 3am and woke up at 5 something to finish memorizing before going for exam. It doesn’t work, and dare not try to sleep less than 6 hours before exams anymore.

But, my biological clock is definately wrong this week. Finally, I slept early last night around 1am, but still woke up at 1pm. My healthy routine is ruined this sem due to all the hectic stuff. I wish I can be ‘Sleeping Beauty’ now. Because then my brain can rest and I can sleep more. Wake me up only when September comes. Hee…gosh…I am really crappy now.

Can’t wait for the BBQ session. Because that’ll be the only fun time after exams and before starting the new sem. I’m stuck with data collection, what to do.

As for now, back to BF : Cost of Capital. The only chap’s tutorial I haven’t done. Should continue it now before sleeping. Was halfway there to finish after my chat on MSN just now. Tomorrow I can start doing the past year papers.

[12:43 am]

Final exams season again. Sigh. Hate this time of the sem, yet can’t wait to get over it soon. Entering my final year thereafter. Don’t know what will lie ahead next sem. Aiks, should stop thinking so far ahead when I haven’t even get my hands on my first paper.

My exam timetable:

• Company Law – 25th April (Fri), 2.30pm
• Business Finance – 29th April (Tues), 2pm
• Taxation – 2nd May (Fri), 9am
• Performance Management – 5th May (Mon), 9am
• Audit Practice – 6th May (Tues), 2pm

I’m still a lil procrastinating this sem. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??! I need help. I cried so hard last night, thinking of all the subjects and scoring them, and this sem, I’m considered last-minute in revising most of them. I don’t know whether one week is enough for me. God, I really need Your strength. I couldn’t do this on my own this time. There are still some untied knots in me. Don’t know what. Somehow, I’m tired of talking. I talked, but it’s just not me. AArrrggghhh….STRESS!!

[11:30 pm]