Morphing Stories

God is great. My results were out and though I didn’t score what I wanted, but it was better than what I’ve expected.

I aimed to get GPA of 3.3 and above, but after a tough sem with many emotional events took place, I did pretty badly in my exams. I thought I would dropped to less than 3.0. But, God was great. I scored GPA of 3.0. Of course, I really dropped in my results this sem by comparing GPA of prior sems. However, I really give thanks that I still stay in second class upper. Hope I would remain at this class till I graduate.

Still in the midst of shifting. Shifting out officially to my new unit C3-4-3 tomorrow. Very tired and sleepy after having just 5 hours of sleep. Slept at 5am yesterday to rush my literature review yesterday and therefore, skipped my first day of Human Resource Management lecture at 8am.

[01:53 am]

Yes, the Lord has been good to me. After walking back closely with Him after my break-up of my first relationship, He has been a good friend to me.

Of all the unhappy posts, hereby I just wanna share one happy thing. Suddenly, it just struck my mind that I’ve been looking at all problems big and this evening when God gave another miracle, I totally forgot about it right after hearing the backstabbing news.

I finally got the last housemate into my new unit. Was actually pretty stressed up yesterday too, when the two newly moved-in guys told me that if by 2 months time they couldn’t get another roommate in, they will have to leave because they couldn’t afford to bear the master room cost by themselves. I came back, feeling frustrated and didn’t finish up my thesis part. I just couldn’t do anything but sat there and I just talked to God (well, since I’m home alone now and got no one to talk to). I really prayed desparately.

God answers my prayers. Thank You! Now gonna sleep. Will only finish my ermaining thesis part tomorrow afternoon after class.

[12:26am]

I did a clarification session with my members. If they still want to treat me differently, then it’s be fine. I mean, I couldn’t do much. I know they will need time too to fully comprehend the entire thing.

And I just found out that they didn’t backstabbed me after the session just now. However, they also heard from people saying I “fired” them because of the reason they didn’t do ANY job. This is so NOT TRUE!! Yes, they may not be up to the competency to work under Ms Angelina, but they did try their effort. They did hand it stuff to me though it may not be the standard I want them.

I think there are really many rumours going on for me and them. Not only that, even my current group members have them. Sigh. Just realised that life really gets tougher as time goes by for me. I guess God is just training me hard for the future.

[12:15 am]

I got to know the truth that no matter how you thought that dearest friend would understand, yet they backstabbed you. I’m guilty as I dismissed them as my thesis group members as in because I should really evaluate their capabilities before going under Ms Angelina, instead of getting them through half sem first. Not as in I decided to leave the group. If only, I would really use my head more than feelings when I formed a group then. It may be hurtful and painful to some if I decided not to be with them at the beginning, rather than now.

Suddenly, the whole new sem starts badly with such news and also knowing how people actually looked at me just because of this. How even coursemates talked behind my back that I “fired” my thesis group members and took in another group. No one knows how hard steps and courage I have to take just to tell them that I’m leaving them. They are my closest friends in class, but yet they don’t understand. Now, they are the ones who break my heart.

Some said I was stupid, to bear the consequences myself. Actually, I really don’t know how to talk to them and my supervisor then said, “Just tell them that it’s I who say that they are not competent. And this is true.” But I took the blame and name on myself and news spread that makes me like I’m like a ‘cold-blooded’ person. Haha… Mum did say before that I’m being too nice to friends sometimes, and that’s how I get hurt over and over again with human relationship. Yes, and I’m crying here while writing this post. Funny thing when last Sat during CF committee meeting, Kah Fai just commented me not to cry so much. Now, I’m here doing so.

Maybe it was my mistake in handling it, maybe because it was approaching finals then. God, please hold me close to You. I really need Your strength and love to get me through all these. Now, with my closest sister in Christ, Woon Hui graduating, I really feel lonely at home at times when I need a Godly advice. Going to meet them up in half hour time to clarify everything whether all these backstabbing I heard are true.

[07:36 pm]

Phew! I’m officially a final year senior/student in UTAR. One more short sem in Sept and last long sem in Jan, and I’m graduating. Time flies.

Had my early lecture class this morning on Advanced Accounting Practice (AAP) and E-Commerce tutorial. So far, everything is good. Well, it’s only the first day but we already got to know about our assignment for both subject. E-Commerce looks interesting. We’re creating a weblog for it. Geez…I’m so looking forward to it. I guess maybe I like blogging, that’s why. *smiles*

I felt so much at peace after the decision last night and the reassurance from God. Still in the midst of packing and shifting stuff to my new place. Hoping to shift everything by Wed. Busy weeks will officially start next week. Hope everything will go smoothly according to plan for this semester.

[04:59 pm]

God hears my desperate prayer. I was praying the night before yesterday, after asking Angel to give me another day before replying her yesterday.

I took my guitar and sing praises to Him. To be honest, I hardly play and sing praises to Him anymore since last sem. Only do occasional prayers and read through some devotional books. I don’t spend longer time, as in singing praise and worship songs before going into His words. I skipped the P&W due to time constraint.

I told God, please speak to me through Your words during sermon or worship time in church. Guess what. See my previous post? I named it “Through It All” because I believe that God will be with me through it all. All as in everything. Even my fears, worries, decisions, happiness etc. And Ps Sharon sang this song as the last song of the service. I was so touched. As if, God reassured my decision again. Ps David (my senior pastor) speaks about God towards Gratitude, on how we should be gratitude towards God, no matter whatever trials and tribulations for past, now and the future.

Thinking back of where God brought me through so far. Looking bad how much I’ve grown in Him as I served Him and walked by Him struck me. I hadn’t been doing that well yet for CF Cell Group. Though I know I might not be able to put 100% into it now, but I really want to help in any area I can, especially to mentor a junior that who will take it over and hoping to see it grow in the future.

I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; He surrounds and defends all who fear Him.

~Psalms 34:4-7~

I was afraid I would make the wrong decision, as in how other people would see if I didn’t take up the offer and etc. On the other hand, I want to do what I can in my final year for CF, though I’m not holding any big posts or anything. Just small little thing would even please me.

[04:50 pm]

Reading the book of Titus. I thought I’ve already made a decision to reject. Don’t know why I’m stuck with the dilemma after I thought I had the answer. Is that a sign from You? That I’d be able to cope everything even I accept the offer?

In the same way, encourage the young men to live wisely. And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of integrity and seriousness of your teaching. Teach the truth so that your teaching can’t be criticized. Then those who oppose us will be ashamed and have nothing bad to say about us.

~Titus 2:6-8~

These few verses struck me. So now am I sticking to really try to put myself back in CF or accept the offer or I have the strength to do both? God, please tell me what You want me to do. I just want Your will in this decision-making process.

[11:38 pm]

Had CF committee meeting this morning and we evaluated each other during the meeting. Not many came but the meeting still went on. Though most of their comments were good..and also bad, but I think I wasn’t that good as they said. As least, I think I didn’t really put that much sometimes for CF CG, as I was bz with my stuff. Just tried to persevere on. I know I could do better. Wish I have more time in a day, but I know God gave us 24 hours a day to manage our time well.

Suddenly, the dilemma came back when I was trying to nap a while before dinner, as in whether I should agree on taking up Ms Angelina’s offer. Well, it was my first reason to be under her because she says that she have grant that will support her research and might be able to travel a bit to do data collection. It is a great opportunity and learning experience ground for me, but I really don’t know how much time I can give it. I can’t just leave CG aside like that before having any one handling it. It’ll be irresponsible. Plus, with my studies, I really don’t know.

I wish I’m an Ironwoman or something. Guess I’m somewhat like Riana now. Wants to grab all opportunities without having opportunity cost occurred.

[10:01 pm]

This is a crazy world
These can be lonely times
It’s hard to know who’s on your side
Most of the timeWho can you really trust
Who do you really know
Is there anybody out there
Who can make you feel less alone
Some times you just can’t make it on your own

If you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I’ll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, hmmm

If you have broken dreams
Just lay them all on me
I’ll be the one who understands
So take my hand

If you reach emptyness

You know I’ll do my best
To fill you up with all the love
That I can show someone
I promise you you’ll never walk alone

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I’ll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, oooo

Everybody needs somebody who
keep a heart and soul in two

Well if you need a place where you can run
If you need a shoulder to cry on
I’ll always be your friend

When you need some shelter from the rain
When you need a healer for your pain
I will be there time and time again
When you need someone to love you
Here I am, Here I am

-by Leona Lewis-

All of a sudden, the emo feeling is back. I don’t what is He trying to do, though I know I can just trust Him and let Him lead. Whenever I try to talk things out, especially when there is another tough decision to make, wishing that one to listen.

Hi. Angelina have suggested to extend 8 selected ones under her. These 8 ones will be continuing on the research but this time going forward in fieldwork on whole of M’sia. You’ve been selected after great decision making by us. Wages paid monthly. It’ll be like a part time work during sem. We’ll take you in till end of year. Please consider this offer seriously. Any question, you can call me directly.

I got this sms from Angel around 10 something. It was really a great news for me to be one of the selected ones. However, I have only one concern. My studies. I don’t know whether it will affect my studies greatly. What about CG for CF too? I really don’t know. If I am graduated or something, I think would take this offer up without any hesitation. However, graduating with at least second class upper is my aim in uni, also part of making my mum proud. She never ask much from me, but I really want to make her happy on my graduation day. Well, since my bro is not a studious type, somehow I know deep within her, she expects something from me, but not telling nor showing it because she doesn’t want to pressure me. God, please show Yourself and guide me on this. I really need someone at this moment for advice or at least some suggestions.

I just wish there is somehow who will say, “Here I Am” to me now.

[01:18 am]

I’m shifting again. Sigh. Hate it when I need to do so. Imagine in a year time after my last sem in uni, I gotta shift out another time. It’s tiring, especially when I’m having that lots of stuff. *sweats*

Praying hard that I’ll manage to rent out the master room in another 2 weeks time.

[03:56 pm]