“STRONG”

I know I’m an easily weak in emotions kinda person. Probably I’m like my mum, that we have fragile emotions. One pro about having this type kinda emotion, we easily understand people about their joys and tears.

But of all, I think there are quite a number of cons. Many times I tried to be strong, but somehow I know I’m still weak. Especially last two semesters onwards, my spiritual growth had gone stagnant and slowly declining. I noticed it. I tried to keep up again, but found myself couldn’t cope with all the studies and not to mention the FYP in hand. I do ask myself, have I chose the wrong supervisor? I mean she’s a real hardcore workaholic woman. I was passionate to learn stuff under her, but I don’t know why, as the longer I’m with her, I get demotivated. Probably, one mistake is I didn’t really pray about it whether I should be under her. I acted on my own will, hoping to gain extra knowledge. But till the end, I’ve learnt that, yes, no doubt I do learn. It is just depending how you being able to cope with it. I don’t look back and say I regretted now.

But, the most saddest thing is I put too much of getting a “worldly” thing, which is getting extra knowledge (which at first I thought, learning more will give me more advantage than anyone else). I dropped all my CF servings – camp vice chair & cell leader. I won’t blame if anyone in CF will think of somewhat disappointments or so upon me.

Camp is over. I wanted to really use this semester to really work on mentoring Pearlyn and Joseph, which I did not the previous sem. I just dumped the responsibilities to them. No doubt, I do attend most of the meetings, unless I really couldn’t due to FYP matter. I learnt that I’m not gonna let this take over me this sem. I wanna use this sem to do what I didn’t last sem to prepare them for the last semester to fully take over.

Apart all these, there are still personal problems which I couldn’t get my mind off. I couldn’t share with anyone. I think the one I truly share to is Woon Hui last time. It got worst these last two semesters when so many things occured in between and when my spiritual walk was unstable.

Tried to be tough in front of others, but hardly find the real laughter.

I pray, O Lord, please guide and help me to make a difference this semester.

Used to encouraging people, talk happy stuff (it’s really much lesser now, that I couldn’t really communicate much or don’t know what to talk about because I have so many sorrows that I couldn’t think much of happiness stuff), spreading encouraging verses or sms to people, very fired up for God. All these, I wanna find them back.

I wasn’t able to have Ps Keith to pray over me, but even Kellie started praying, I couldn’t stop myself to tear. But, weirdly I hold on to them because I don’t want anyone to know about them. I don’t want people come asking me, “How are you?”. I wanted to act strong. But, God weirdly sent Angel to ask me. It was pretty quite a while already after I went back to my seat. When she asked, “Are you ok?”, I wanted to nod as a “yes”, however, I couldn’t help it. I teared. But still, I don’t feel like pouring out.

I felt bad and lousy after camp this time. The camp was great… really! Just that, I don’t feel good about myself after this camp.

[06:32 pm]